Ever met someone with a narcissistic personality?
Narcissists tend to leave a lasting impression, as do many pick-it-alls, perhaps a failing bank account or broken relationships, but almost always with an extreme depletion of energy.
Once you realize that you have invited a narcissist into your experience, life will never be the same. The shock we experience in these relationships is deeply traumatizing and debilitating when you keep your focus on the narcissist and not yourself.
All of us who have suffered this type of abusive relationship missed the warning signs or ignored them altogether...I know I did! But why did this happen? Unfortunately, we ignored those gut feelings and slid deeper and deeper into the relationship, stubbornly clinging to our version of things/perceptions that weren't the truth.
Walk away from the narcissist. Forever!
I mean this in relation to YOUR attitude, your inner alignment!
Because if you have one or more children together with him/her, you are connected to them all your life.
"I'm not available anymore! " was the sentence that came out of me deep inside at the time to finally sever my co-dependence on my narcissistic ex-husband. In capital letters, written in bold, as a short clear message in front of my inner eye and then written on a piece of paper. Boundary - distance - one step back - protection...BREATH. It wasn't just thrown there, I felt this sentence through and through. A very clear decision, because the moment I realized that I had been with a narcissistic man for almost 15 years, I took in and looked at the part that took me right there, into this relationship with this man as the father of my child, that brought me to this point in my life. What I didn't want to recognize and feel, the part in me that made me foggy, the noise that drowned out my intuitive inner voice, the totally naive loving wife who was so manipulated dependent, the partner who with the hope/illusion that something will change, was in a relationship and not with the person, the part in me that has allowed itself to be abused mentally and physically for years.
Take a look at this sentence. Imagine you stand in front of the person and say "I'm no longer available!". Perhaps with a movement of the arms that signals a demarcation with hands held up. Feel inside. BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE...
are you with you Yes you are.
Is it easy? No it is not. Yet it is CLEAR and separate as your alignment is with you.
Do you keep your strength with you? YES, even if it's not always easy.
Then, imagine again, you're standing in front of the person and you're saying, "You've cheated and lied to me all these years, how could you...etc."
Maybe even pointing the finger full of anger at the person while speaking.
Feel inside, how are you BREATHING here?
Are you with you NO. You absolutely are not. You are a VICTIM.
Is it easy? No it is not. Because you are permanently focused on your opponent and totally foggy and under full power.
Do you keep your strength with you? NO, total codependency and no self-responsibility.
Having a narcissist as a parent can be deeply heartbreaking and upsetting because of their brutal actions and how devastated they can leave you. They can declare you invalid/non-existent. They can make you feel unimportant, unworthy, and unintelligent. They lie to you without remorse to advance their own agenda. Your self-esteem will never recover. Unless... you realize that validation, safety, support, and honesty come from elsewhere.
Disappointment, anger, desperation, powerlessness, exhaustion, shock, bewilderment, madness, manipulation, aggression, projections, lies, deceit, pain, chaos, blame, gaslighting, brutality, coldness, indifference, blindness
can be superseded by
Clarity, joie de vivre, acceptance, vitality, movement, forgiveness, protection, demarcation, serenity, honesty, feelings, order, calm, stability, security, connection, love, freedom, liveliness, trust.
It only requires that YOU walk the path TOTALLY. If you follow this path WITHOUT hoping that your narcissistic ex-partner might wake up and realize that he/she is behaving really badly and and and. If you follow this path TOTALLY, then you create YOUR SPACES in order to heal and come to peace with yourself. If you follow this path TOTALLY, you will recognize your self-worth and your core of being, your soul, on a very deep level.
At this point I would like to mention a few quotes from Viktor Frankl, which can give immense strength and humility in a narcissistic/toxic context, at least that's how I felt -
"The last of human freedoms consists in choosing one's attitude towards things."
“There is a space between stimulus and response. In this space lies our power to choose our response. In our reaction lies our development and our freedom.” -
“Destiny belongs to man like the ground, to which gravity binds him, but without which walking would be impossible. We have to stand by our destiny as by the ground on which we stand - a ground that is the springboard for our freedom." -
"It never, ever matters what we expect from life, much more simply what life expects of us."
When you break up with a toxic/narcissistic person, it can be uncomfortable, brutal, dangerous, often unbearable!
It's about recognizing this space FULLY, feeling it, entering it, taking a deep breath and going from this space step by step and saving YOU, recognizing YOU, loving YOU, believing YOU, calming YOUR system, To set yourself apart, to arrive in YOUR peace and serenity.
A few words on narcissism from Jeff Brown, one of my teachers:
"In my experience, perhaps the greatest challenge we face as victims of narcissistic abuse is the very perplexing belief that we are responsible for all the dysfunctions that existed or still exist in that connection. It is absolutely essential for the narcissist that we believe that everything difficult in the relationship and often in their life is our fault - and it is we alone who must and can only fix the relationship in order for the narcissist to feel good about the relationship can benefit as he needs it. This misguided sense of responsibility wouldn't work for every person. However, it worked for us for a variety of reasons, often due to the fact that victims of narcissistic abuse tend to be responsible, highly sensitive, and empathetic people who tend to take their role in things. And of course that sense of responsibility in this context is blatantly WRONG. None of this is your fault, even if you currently believe that your problems attracted you or that your problems helped us keep in touch with you. Because what exists within the narcissist existed before you and will no doubt exist beyond you. However it happened to them, however these patterns of abuse became theirs, they were a function of their own experiences and took root regardless of your presence. It's not about you now, and it was never about you. I appreciate that you may not be ready to embrace this yet, but I want to say this right at the beginning of the process as a kind of beacon of understanding that you are heading towards. Maybe you wanted to believe it was about you, maybe because it gave you a sense of control - the idea that if it was your fault you could do better - but it was never about you. Gaslighting wasn't about you. The threesome wasn't about you. Blaming wasn't about you. Playing victim wasn't about you. The humiliation wasn't about you. The lack of empathy was never about you. The manipulation, the entitlement, the ego feeding was never about you. They were aimed at you, but it was never about you. Everything revolved around her and her fragile, underdeveloped ego structure. And there was NOTHING you could do to change that. "
If you have understood that, then you free yourself, then you rise like the phoenix from the ashes and fly on!
Would you like to finally get out of the toxic cycle?
I'll help you set yourself on the path to real and deep healing from toxic, narcissistic relationships, establish healthy boundaries, realign, and live relationships as equals in the future.
Once you learn the (sometimes very loud) lessons of these types of relationships, you can heal to a depth you may not have known existed.
Toxic relationships hold a lot of information and are a valuable asset when we are ready to make a life-changing transformation. It is a shedding and recognizing of the Self in our deepest layers. You will delve into all those parts of you that for some reason have been eclipsed, hidden, or masked.
Stop living for the expectations of others and recognize your own needs. Heal to the core and permanently release patterns that don't serve you. Embrace empowerment and confidence. Learn to trust yourself and your leadership system to be your most reliable and consistent ally.
I am happy to help you.